Have you ever been surrounded by something? And I mean completely surrounded. Like when your dress is entirely too tight (but spanxmakes it look awesome) or when a group of 32 preschoolers want to give you a bear hug all at the same time?
Well I have had that feeling a few times in my life and they can be a very bittersweet feeling.Oftentimes you love one part and you hate that the other makes you uncomfortable.
You love that you are able to squeeze your size 4 body into that faboo size 2 dress that you paid entirely too much for but you hate that you can only dance one dance before you can barely breathe in. I adore the fact that the kids enjoyed my lesson so much that they want to physically hug me and tell me how great I am and tell me I’m pretty and they like my shoes (why I chose to wear 3 inch heels on a pre-k day escapes me… probably something to do with the only clean laundry I had matched those shoes...) but I hate that when they all push at the same time and I cant help but lean over hoping not to fall and squish 8 out of the 32 with my and the rest of the classes weight.
This feeling can sometimes translate into a broader picture (no pun intended considering one of my examples was spanx) in life. These days, as I am at “that age” where everyone I know is at a point where they are no longer the person I cherish but a “we,” a “them” to me. It is truly surrounding me- the “quicksand of happiness”, if you will. I am SO happy for my friends and I love being in weddings and going with them to choose their colors and taking a peek at the ring that “them” have picked out and tossing around ideas of eloping so their crazy in-laws don’t have to be there, but (here it comes) that bittersweet feeling comes creeping into my bed at night when I am watching cosby show reruns with my dog. All those stupid thoughts go rushing through my (typically) level head. I don’t particularly feel bad about my thoughts, they are always happy thoughts for “them,” but sometimes they make “just me” feel sad. Kinda like when my spanx come off after the big event and it is back to the reality of myself.
There my friends go, one by one pairing off like Noah’s critters and walking down the aisle to the other side of life. And here I am, like one of Cinderella’s mice that got her dressed up and beautiful for that ball only for her to meet Prince Charming and leave them behind. I could only imagine that little "Gus-Gus" was all too happy for“Cinderelly” but couldn’t help but feel a little sadness for himself followed by a twinge of guilt knowing that it was the best thing for his friend.
So here I am feeling a bit like an imaginary mouse. Happy and sad, lonely yet surrounded, jealous but unprepared for such a step in my own life.
This weekend, at a Junior League conference I was surrounded by about 300 married or engaged women who were talking about their families or“better half” and I realized two things. They have someone to check in with and someone to come home to and I, on the other side of the coin, didn’t have to check in with anyone and could walk into my door and be greeted by a creature that would be unshakably, undeniably, unmistakably, happy to see me expecting nothing more that a pat on the head. As I lay sprawled across my entire queen sized bed with my pup eating bon bons and catching up on my people.com I wonder who the lucky one really is.
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