To Papa...
Since the last installment of our Wally World adventures Papa attempted to sneak out of the house while both Nana and I were away to go to the "curb mart" where unfortunately his trusty "A-La-Sabre" left him high and dry. So not only was he left with no cell phone because "those are the most useless things on the planet," but he also had to bum a ride from the pool man who was more than likely buying his usual carton of newports. SO... not only did my Nana have a cow thinking that someone had stolen his hunk of junk, but was alarmed when he was in his regular spot sipping his tea like nothing had happened. "Where in the world is your car?"She asked him. "Broke down" he says looking down at the golf digest he was reading. "How would you know that it broke down, you aren't supposed to be driving." "None of your business" he says and practices his golf swing without letting the leg rest down on his lay-z-boy.
So here we are... in my Nana's Jeep driving to Wal-Mart. "We got a half tank in there, sugar?" he asks me. "Yeah Pop, a little over." "Good, takes about that much for this dang thing to get out here" he says as he adjusts his golf cap. I just roll my eyes and rev the engine just to piss him off. "Don't do that- that takes up a 1/4 tank."
I drop him off at the front door and he plops out of the car, I say plop because it is so much higher than his car and what he is used to that he has to hop out and catch himself on the door handle. I walk in and he is just standing by the so-called "greeter" waiting for her to acknowledge his presence and get him a scooter. Finally Ms. Beverly walks up to him and says "come on, I'll get you one." By this time I wander off to see what the bakery section has come up with for this valentine holiday season. "Heart shaped pretzels covered with red hots, hmm.." was my thought as he wheeled up beside me.
"She said I can't drag race or pop wheelies in this one and I told her that was the only reason that I came here every Saturday." I just laugh and tell him that he should have told her that he would take his business to Target, but their rascals aren't as good. "Nah, he says, the produce is better here." GOD I LOVE THIS MAN! "Pepto Max section- Let's go...Keep up." he says to me. "Alright" I yell to him as I throw some pink tinted powdered sugar donuts in his scooter cart. He opens the pack up and pops one and leaves remnants of powdered sugar on the corners of his mouth. "Pop, you got something on your face" I say. "Saving it for later" he says without wiping it away.
He turns down the next aisle, throws some adult diapers in his cart and a lady not paying attention almost t-bones him. "Come on darlin', go ahead" and motions his hand to her. As soon as she is out of ear-shot he says "you good lookin hunk-o-woman." Now, let me explain...This lady had the the wicked witch's mole and looked as if she might have been the birth mother of quasi-moto. He races down the next aisle throwing things like the family size bottle of tylenol and the entire stock of wal-mart brand gas pills in stock into his scooter cart. He then turns round the next aisle and sees the lady again "Hey beautiful" he says and winks at her. She smiles and giggles and keeps pushing her buggy along.
He trucks back across the store to the grocery section and scoots down toward dog food. Now, this is a bit of a shock to me, because our trips run on a map.. McDonald's for coffee, Pharmacy, Produce section, then he turn down the wrong aisle THREE times every week to get dog food. But this week he skipped the first two- I was a bit taken aback. So we get our regular 6 cans of Ol' Roy and head to the dairy section. Eggs were on sale so he begins to pile them in. "3 dozen Pop, don't you think that's a bit of overkill." He doesn't even answer me and throws six things of black cherry yogurt in as well.
He moves on to the next aisle and begins to turn in. He realizes it is the candy aisle and he already bought enough Valentine's candy to last us until Easter the last time and turns his rascal so sharp in order to aviod heading down that aisle that it toppled a bit and he had to throw a leg out to keep from falling out. He wheels over to the next aisle and sticks his arm out like a biker about to make a left turn. He turns around with a huge grin and says "Just in case they were wondering which way I was going." He reaches over for a pack of Luzianne tea (which we have 4 boxes of at home) and knock about 6 over. He is talking some nonsense about Bobby Labonte and the Nascar team and I just zone him out and pick up the tea and follow along behind. He then realizes that his cart is almost full and he had forgotten to go to produce. So he hands me the family pack of Charmin Utra strong and tells me to 'tuck it under my arm till we get done.' Now, I don't know if you have ever attempted to carry around a family pack of this for more than from shelf to cart, but those little buggers are slippery and won't fit under your arm. Then, once he started trying to balance stuff on there is got to be a little much for me. So I told him that I was going to go get a shopping cart and I would meet him by the bananas and to "BEHAVE!" So I get my cart, return to produce and can't find him anywhere. I search the avocados, the grapefruits, the strawberries, all of his usual favorites, but to no avail. I really hate to leave that section because then I would NEVER find him. So I check my phone very sneakily for the time, because he doesn't allow me to use it on these trips and realize that he has been missing for about 5 minutes. I finally see him wheel around the corner perking his neck up to see across his monstrous pile of groceries grinning like a FOOL. "Where in the world did you go? I told you to meet me by bananas." But then I see it, his cup of McDonald's coffee steaming in his hand. How did I not figure it out? So he starts up with the story... "Well, I think the lady in there was trying to pick me up... I brought the 42 cents with me for the cup of coffee, but then I went to pay and the lady said it was 52. So I was fumbling with my billfold for a bit and this cute little lady said that she would buy if for me." "Well...Well... papa, maybe she thought you need a sugar mama." "That's the first person that's ever bought me a drink before... You think she was trying to pick me up or do I look like a poor hobo?" "Definately trying to pick you up Papa. most hobos don't wear chinos and tweed golf hats." "Well butter me and call me a biscuit...hand me those bananas. "
Since the last installment of our Wally World adventures Papa attempted to sneak out of the house while both Nana and I were away to go to the "curb mart" where unfortunately his trusty "A-La-Sabre" left him high and dry. So not only was he left with no cell phone because "those are the most useless things on the planet," but he also had to bum a ride from the pool man who was more than likely buying his usual carton of newports. SO... not only did my Nana have a cow thinking that someone had stolen his hunk of junk, but was alarmed when he was in his regular spot sipping his tea like nothing had happened. "Where in the world is your car?"She asked him. "Broke down" he says looking down at the golf digest he was reading. "How would you know that it broke down, you aren't supposed to be driving." "None of your business" he says and practices his golf swing without letting the leg rest down on his lay-z-boy.
So here we are... in my Nana's Jeep driving to Wal-Mart. "We got a half tank in there, sugar?" he asks me. "Yeah Pop, a little over." "Good, takes about that much for this dang thing to get out here" he says as he adjusts his golf cap. I just roll my eyes and rev the engine just to piss him off. "Don't do that- that takes up a 1/4 tank."
I drop him off at the front door and he plops out of the car, I say plop because it is so much higher than his car and what he is used to that he has to hop out and catch himself on the door handle. I walk in and he is just standing by the so-called "greeter" waiting for her to acknowledge his presence and get him a scooter. Finally Ms. Beverly walks up to him and says "come on, I'll get you one." By this time I wander off to see what the bakery section has come up with for this valentine holiday season. "Heart shaped pretzels covered with red hots, hmm.." was my thought as he wheeled up beside me.
"She said I can't drag race or pop wheelies in this one and I told her that was the only reason that I came here every Saturday." I just laugh and tell him that he should have told her that he would take his business to Target, but their rascals aren't as good. "Nah, he says, the produce is better here." GOD I LOVE THIS MAN! "Pepto Max section- Let's go...Keep up." he says to me. "Alright" I yell to him as I throw some pink tinted powdered sugar donuts in his scooter cart. He opens the pack up and pops one and leaves remnants of powdered sugar on the corners of his mouth. "Pop, you got something on your face" I say. "Saving it for later" he says without wiping it away.
He turns down the next aisle, throws some adult diapers in his cart and a lady not paying attention almost t-bones him. "Come on darlin', go ahead" and motions his hand to her. As soon as she is out of ear-shot he says "you good lookin hunk-o-woman." Now, let me explain...This lady had the the wicked witch's mole and looked as if she might have been the birth mother of quasi-moto. He races down the next aisle throwing things like the family size bottle of tylenol and the entire stock of wal-mart brand gas pills in stock into his scooter cart. He then turns round the next aisle and sees the lady again "Hey beautiful" he says and winks at her. She smiles and giggles and keeps pushing her buggy along.
He trucks back across the store to the grocery section and scoots down toward dog food. Now, this is a bit of a shock to me, because our trips run on a map.. McDonald's for coffee, Pharmacy, Produce section, then he turn down the wrong aisle THREE times every week to get dog food. But this week he skipped the first two- I was a bit taken aback. So we get our regular 6 cans of Ol' Roy and head to the dairy section. Eggs were on sale so he begins to pile them in. "3 dozen Pop, don't you think that's a bit of overkill." He doesn't even answer me and throws six things of black cherry yogurt in as well.
He moves on to the next aisle and begins to turn in. He realizes it is the candy aisle and he already bought enough Valentine's candy to last us until Easter the last time and turns his rascal so sharp in order to aviod heading down that aisle that it toppled a bit and he had to throw a leg out to keep from falling out. He wheels over to the next aisle and sticks his arm out like a biker about to make a left turn. He turns around with a huge grin and says "Just in case they were wondering which way I was going." He reaches over for a pack of Luzianne tea (which we have 4 boxes of at home) and knock about 6 over. He is talking some nonsense about Bobby Labonte and the Nascar team and I just zone him out and pick up the tea and follow along behind. He then realizes that his cart is almost full and he had forgotten to go to produce. So he hands me the family pack of Charmin Utra strong and tells me to 'tuck it under my arm till we get done.' Now, I don't know if you have ever attempted to carry around a family pack of this for more than from shelf to cart, but those little buggers are slippery and won't fit under your arm. Then, once he started trying to balance stuff on there is got to be a little much for me. So I told him that I was going to go get a shopping cart and I would meet him by the bananas and to "BEHAVE!" So I get my cart, return to produce and can't find him anywhere. I search the avocados, the grapefruits, the strawberries, all of his usual favorites, but to no avail. I really hate to leave that section because then I would NEVER find him. So I check my phone very sneakily for the time, because he doesn't allow me to use it on these trips and realize that he has been missing for about 5 minutes. I finally see him wheel around the corner perking his neck up to see across his monstrous pile of groceries grinning like a FOOL. "Where in the world did you go? I told you to meet me by bananas." But then I see it, his cup of McDonald's coffee steaming in his hand. How did I not figure it out? So he starts up with the story... "Well, I think the lady in there was trying to pick me up... I brought the 42 cents with me for the cup of coffee, but then I went to pay and the lady said it was 52. So I was fumbling with my billfold for a bit and this cute little lady said that she would buy if for me." "Well...Well... papa, maybe she thought you need a sugar mama." "That's the first person that's ever bought me a drink before... You think she was trying to pick me up or do I look like a poor hobo?" "Definately trying to pick you up Papa. most hobos don't wear chinos and tweed golf hats." "Well butter me and call me a biscuit...hand me those bananas. "
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